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Nov. 18th, 2004


(no subject)

Sometimes I feel just empty. I don't feel sad, or lonely or anything really. There's just a big space inside of me that feels like it should be filled, like something is missing. It's impossible to feel emotion when I feel like that, there's simply nothing inside me. I can't laugh, smile, cry or cringe - I know I should be feeling something when somebody cracks a joke and everybody else is laughing except me. I'll sit there looking around me thinking 'WTF?' and it's like I'm watching a TV show. I'm on the outside and looking into their lives, except I'm there with them.

Normally I can deal with that, it's just part of how I feel, it's who I am and there's ways of dealing with it. Sometimes just going out with a certain friend and doing nothing in particulary works, sometimes I need a long walk on my own, and other times lying in bed thinking clears my head out. Except right now nothing is working. I went for a long walk this evening, took my music and just walked except it didn't work. I phoned my best friend and spent nearly 3 hours on the phone to him, and it worked temporarily - but now I'm alone again I'm empty.

It's not something that just goes away, but the only way I can describe it is like walking down a dark tunnel, with no walls, no floor and no ceiling and no light at the end of it. Sometimes the light appears, but it disappears not long after leaving me alone and in darkness. And I know it's just me, it's who I am. But sometimes I wish I could just make it disappear.

November 2004


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